What
do you do when the one thing that holds you together disappears? What do you do
when the rope that stops you from falling is cut? What do you do when the ground
opens up beneath you and you fall, and you keep on falling, and when you
eventually reach the bottom how do you get up when there's no one there to help
you?
I don't know the answers to these
questions, I wish to God I did. I wish to God I didn't wake up everyday and wish
I hadn't. I wish to God that the one person that meant everything and more to me
hadn't ripped out my heart and my soul and left me with nothing but a black
hole, the deepest feeling of emptiness and the most intense feeling of being
completely alone.
I'm struggling so hard to
move on. But it's difficult when just days before, she hear words of love and
hope. In just a mere minute, a simple word from him can change her life
dramatically.
Just a few weeks ago it was our twenty-three months.
Throughout the entire relationship, we've always had problems and we've fought
practically every week. But at the end of the argument, we still wanted to be
with each other, hoping, praying that things would improve. We had our share of
happy moments, but perhaps the unhappy ones won.
Just a week ago, she walk out of my life. Although I
didn't want it to be, I can see that she wanted it very much. I've realised that
she will never change. Yet our break up hasn't fully hit me
yet, and I'm still sitting here waiting for her call. But yet I hate being so
weak, but the simple fact is that perhaps I need her more then she needs me.
Never in my life did I think it was possible for one
person to cause another such pain. But no matter how hard I try (and believe me
I have tried) I cannot hate her. Every time I think of her I wish that she could
feel even one small fraction of what I am feeling. Then she would know what it
means to leave me alone, but I still cannot hate her.
The times we had together were so special. To all those
people that know how it is to be loved, there are no words to describe that
feeling. And that's exactly how I felt. I've done everything a silly boy would
do, I tried everything to win her heart back, but she would always tell me, "I
don't know." It's been a week since it ended, and there have been so many times
when I've wondered, "Maybe if I had said something else or done something else
we would be back together." She was my angel, my baby... I would have done
anything for her. But my angel has left me and now I'm alone. There are so many
times that I tell myself to move on, and say how pointless it is to obsess over
something that is over. But I guess what keeps me going is hope. Hoping that she
will tell me that she wants to get back together.
Now I wonder if I will ever fall in love again. She was my
first true love and I had hoped she would be my last. We'd constantly talk of
our future, and the kids we'd have, and our beautiful home and that made me
happy beyond anything.
Now, abruptly, it's all over. It's so difficult to accept
and the funny thing is, I can't cry. I'm still sitting here, dazed, confused,
and hoping that this isn't it.
After reading stories, I realise how similar each girl is.
Yet when you're with your special someone, you think she's different and unlike
any other girl you've ever met. Yet in the end, they're all the same.
Life without her is like living a slow and painful death
anyway. She meant everything to me and my life is totally empty without her. I
just don't understand what went wrong. We had the whole world at our feet. We
went through so much to be together and then when we finally got to the point we
could, you left. Why?
I'm trying to find comfort but I can't move on. I can't
let go. And I miss her terribly. And I wonder, does she miss me too? Does it
hurt her like it's hurting me? I know in time I'll be okay, but I'll never
forget her. She showed me true happiness and rather then feeling bitter towards
her, I should thank her. I've grown a great deal and it's all because of her.
It's just so hard, losing someone you love. And no words
can ever make the pain and loss go away.
There is a saying that when a door closes, a window opens
or something to that effect. I am waiting. Maybe I just haven't closed the door
all the way yet. To do so would mean really letting go, and saying good bye to
the only girl who has ever meant anything to me.
I'm so scared that I will never mend. That I will feel
like this forever. Everyone tells me I'll get over it and I smile for them and
tell them I already am. But I don't think I will ever get over it. Her friends
are all asking her to leave me. Maybe one day someone will come along and open
my heart again, but only a part of it. There will always be a part of my heart
that I keep closed off from the world, waiting for the day that she comes back.
I must hold on until that day when I have all the pieces of the puzzle again and
I am complete.
For now there is one piece missing; and it is shaped like
her..
To all those people that know what its like to lose
someone you love so much, you know how I feel. Love is so blissful that you take
it for granted. Only when love is gone is when you will truly understand love.
Dated: 25 September 2005 (2113hrs)
"...the soul would have no rainbow had the
eyes no tears."
Your Sticky Boy
